Oh, Give Me a Home Where the Yankees Stay Home!

This will not take too long, but I have to take issue with something that has gone unchallenged in my world for far too long. Many of you may not know, but I am an adopted Son of the South, and as such, show great respect, but I have come to regard the South as possibly the last bastion of style and etiquette, and to have it constantly maligned by misinformed, mistaken, trammeled boobs who, as far as I know, may never have stepped foot in the region shall go unchallenged no more.

There is as much bigotry and racism in the Deep South as the West Coast, which may be difficult for some of you to believe, but it is true: The bigotry and racism you live with here in Washington, California, Oregon, Idaho, Utah, etc., exists in the southern United States, as well. What do you think happened in California; a bunch of people from Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama and Georgia caught a bus to the left coast and passed Prop 8? And do not delude yourself (or do if you need to), this happened with the votes of the gay communities friends and neighbors; blame the Mormons, Catholics, whoever, but in the end the locals voted, not the out-of-towners.

But take heart, the state of Mississippi, home and birthplace to such intellectually stunted writers as Tennessee Williams, Eudora Welty, Margaret Walker Alexander, and William Faulkner has managed to make inroads into understanding between the races. And if these writers pose too great a challenge to any of you readers, it is also the home of John Grisham, and though no one will admit it in polite company, it is yet another example of tolerance. Here is another way to look at it: Most people in this region think that a lady cannot wear white until Memorial Day, when in reality it is Easter. Now, how would you like it after you have come to New Orleans, invaded the city during Mardi Gras, urinated in the streets, exposed various body parts and generally reinforced the “Vulgar Northerner” stereotype, a southern lady overheard you make that statement and called you a hick?

It may seem that I am painting with a mighty broad brush, and perhaps I am, but what’s good for the goose, as they say. I will make a deal with all of you: I will continue to work for marriage equality and the civil rights of the LGBT community, but in return you have to stop the slander of my home. The history of a people is typically written by the victors and if the lot of you think that slaves and oppression only existed in the south, you know far too little to even comment. If you want to feel guilty about something, and so many of you do, when ya ain’t workin’ for equality, take some time to stop the systematic genocide of the aboriginal people of America.

The Loss of Focus

I have been watching the events of Carrie Prejean’s definition of marriage rights and as controversial as it may be for some of you to hear, she is entitled to her opinion. This ambush masquerading as a legitimate question to be asked at a beauty pageant is when any hope of reason went on holiday. One would have expected the follow up question to be about her views on abortion. This is a beauty pageant folks, a beauty pageant, not a presidential debate; world peace, starving children, puppies, this is the stuff of substance that makes for appropriate questions. I do realize I am stepping off into a no man's land between both ideologies, but when reason is the last consideration to a situation what would you have me do?

I have a message for all the people engaged in the fight for marriage equality: not everyone is going to agree with you. Not everyone is going to accept it. Not everyone is going to welcome this change with open arms. You cannot, and will never be able to legislate away bias. There are people who do not like the LGBT community. Every time someone makes a negative statement, it is as though this is the first time the LGBT community has considered that there may be people unwilling to accept their agenda. So what? It should be abundantly clear to any reasonable person on this planet that no matter what a person does, odds are that someone dislikes them. I have always maintained this simple philosophy: Everybody hates somebody and nobody likes everybody. Why anyone would get so emotional about another person’s dislike for them is a waste of time, but that is what happens when people feel their way through life and refuse to think their way.

Carrie Prejean was backed into a no-win situation, and her subsequent ridicule has made her forever unwilling to persuasion. I do not think her argument is sound, valid, reasonable or mature, but I do realize she will never, ever change her mind. That’s not how change occurs, and if you think I am wrong, you are as misguided as Ms. Prejean. And now to the real problem in all of this discord.

How in the world did someone of Perez Hilton’s miniscule intellect get elected to speak for the LGBT community? I am sure he is what in our decaying intellectual society we would call witty, which is saying almost as little as he does, but I am certain his antics and flawed decision making process is of little substantive value to the fight for marriage equality. For those of you that are confused, let’s review: An idiot answered an idiot’s question. I realize idiot is harsh, but I just finished reviewing a statement by Ms. Prejean in response to the outrage from the pageant and I perused Mr. Hilton’s website and in both instances I think it is safe to say that neither will be aiding the cause of raising the aggregate intellect of the citizenry of the world.

I spend an inordinate amount of time talking to people about same-sex marriage, most of it is preaching to the choir, but on the occasion that I am trying to convert someone to a more enlightened opinion, it has always been reason and the ability to bridge the chasm that both sides find themselves on that wins the day. Sometimes people have a moment of clarity and realize they had the wrong belief and sometimes they do not. It is regrettable, but you cannot reach everyone. To the battle that is ahead, it would be wise to get a better set of leaders and explain to the Perez Hilton’s of the world to sit down and let the adults do the talking.

The Death of Humor in a Hyphenated Society:
Bears are Funny!

Someone with my earshot recently opined: The United States is no longer a melting pot, but a salad bowl. Those that are in Mr. Handsome’s secret circle know I have railed against the divisiveness that is grinding our societal fabric into rags, but I think the aforementioned opinion has lead to an almost hysterical fear of humor. And to prove this I have a great example.

Those of you living in Seattle know that the weather has recently been a challenge. Plenty of snow and cold have settled in for the Christmas season. (Spare me the seasonal neutrality letters; at the very least Christmas means peace on earth and good will to humankind. If you have a problem with these two conventions you require more help than I can offer) As I was walking through the early morning snowscape, a family member called me and asked where I was in my travels. I told her I was on Pine Street, passing The Cuff, and The Cuff is a bar that caters to gay patrons that have, how shall I put it, less conventional sexual tastes. My niece asked me if I was going to stop in, and I told her no, but maybe I would see if there were any bears hibernating. She laughed, I laughed, we hung up, and then there came a discouraging word. Walking behind me was a young man that said to me “Oh, get a life.” I turned around and asked him to repeat himself. He said it again and then told me that I was perpetuating heterosexual, stereotypical myths. At this point I lost my patience and here is why.

I have not always been the dazzling urbanite you all know and love. Before I moved here I knew very little about the subterranean world of alternate sexual tastes within the gay and lesbian community. I was well versed in the dirty things that we heterosexual folks like to do, and we like to do lots of naughty things. I think that we should get to do all the naughty things that we come up with—as long as you are not going to hurt anyone, or wind up breakin’ rocks in the hot sun—but evidently, unless we are part of particular hyphenated group we are not allowed to comment on the behavior. This is utter buncombe! Just because I am not a gay-American, does not mean I cannot make the following statement: Bears are Funny! As I said to the narrow-minded, pin-headed prick (excuse me ladies) “We laugh at children when they pretend to be animals, why can’t the same sense of humor be applied to grown men?” I have from time to time passed The Cuff and evidently they host a Bear Annual Spring Thaw. If that does not make you belly laugh, well perhaps you should. I am not saying what bears do in their caves is inappropriate, but it is funny. Just to make it fair, I also think heterosexual people that wear diapers or cannot be gratified unless the session turns excremental are equally as hysterical. I do not think sexual orientation is the problem, it is the hyphen.

Mr. Handsome is interested in postcolonial writing. Most of this interest centers on Caribbean literature and the works of Robert Antoni in particular. While in college I read an enormous amount of analysis on the subject, most of merit, but there were moments that I felt it was beginning to lose focus, especially when the argument centered on the use of a hyphen in postcolonial or post-colonial depending on which side of the river you find yourself on. When, as a society, we begin parsing words and concepts to such a degree, we lose sight (in my opinion) of the goal of unification. You will remember what I told you what the great Ronnie Scott said about rowing the same direction, well this is a perfect example. We are Americans that come from different ethnic, gender and sexual backgrounds and not subsets of ethnic, gender or sexual hyphened Americans. So lighten up all you rigid, humor stingy readers, for it might have never occurred to you that it is in our nation’s best interest that you keep yourselves separate. And if you do not understand that statement, well just forget everything I just said, it will matter little to you.

In closing, I have painted with a very broad stroke, not, I must assert, in content, for while I have not given you ample qualifications for my statements, I do labor under the notion that my readers are reasonable people. And everything I have said is reasonable to the reasonable. Please accept my apologies for this tardy posting and I will be back next week with an exciting year end edition. As always, Mr. Handsome can help you be better friends and relations, drop me a line!

I will leave the poll up for one more week as I know some of you have not answered it.

Why We Do What We Do
An Informal Analysis of the Relationship Round-and-Round

Why do we do the same thing over and over again? It has been said to me that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. So is that it, are we insane? If each relationship follows the same path as the previous, or ends the same, is it because we are crazy? I do not think you are crazy. In fact, Mr. Handsome has a more rational explanation for why people are on the relationship round-and-round. I believe our subconscious is the culprit.

It is my belief, and I would appreciate it if all of you clinical psychologists would try to refrain from the barrage of corrections you will feel obliged to submit (if you disagree, get your own column) that our subconscious is more aware of what is going on than we might expect. Look at it this way: take a look and honestly assess every failed relationship you may have been in. The people may come from different economic strata, different levels of education and varying degrees of intellect. Height, weight, eye color, race, I do not think they matter, I think it is a less than readily apparent component of their personality that our subconscious picks up on and attracts us, unwittingly, to that person. It is like a thread that you can weave from the first to the last. Right, wrong, or somewhere in between, it is familiar and recognizable to our subconscious. What I have found most curious is the person that does not fit into this category that will be somewhere in the middle of this thread.

I have spoken to so many people about their relationship history and most make the statement: “you know, I don’t know why I broke up with that person. We had a really good time together.” I think it is because they did not have that little “extra” something that our subconscious is fond of. Mr. Handsome realizes that this is not a one size fits all explanation. Relationships are often not that simple, but I do believe it is valid enough for all of you to consider for two main reasons:
1. If you have been in a string of less than successful relationships, it is time to really consider what drew you to that person. Look past the physical and superficial personality traits and dig deeper. It may help you make better decisions.
2. You may be in a relationship that is going well or maybe not so well, and taking the time to evaluate the initial attraction, you might find a way to negotiate the problem and work harder at achieving success. It is easy, especially after a few mistakes, to cut and run, but as all of you know, nothing is easy. It may turn out that closer examination leads to more open dialogue and a closer bond.

As simplistic as this may sound I have found that most problems have easy solutions as long as we can get out of our own way. Be humble, be fair, be honest, the rest will take care of itself. Kiss ‘em once for me.

And now to your letters:
Mr. Handsome,
Long time reader; first time blogger with a question/comment. I found your dialogue to be very enlightening and I am now faced with a simple solution to a formerly complex predicament.My efforts, to this point, to find the proverbial Mrs. Right, have left me penniless, smelling of fine cheese, teeth maroon with indulgence and bed ... Read Moreempty as my fridge. However, your advice seems to have led me to providence and an enlightened sense of purpose. It is now clear that the proper course of action, will be to woo Dena Myers into the clutches of Purvis matrimony. No sir! No longer will I constipate on macaroni, from here on I will concentrate on matrimony! And with the newly confirmed, Mrs. Right, we will conquer the universe with great speed and proficiency, leaving no shoe un-bought and no spa un-sought. So, I ask, what does Mr. Handsome think? Shall he defend his lady in a most chivalrous fashion?
~Fondly, Nervous Purvis

Dear Nervous,

First, thank you for being the first person to sign up to this site. I was going to tell you that there are two women to every man in the world and to get your own, but I think I have an obligation to give you more than that.
Mrs. Handsome is indeed a beautiful woman and well worth fighting for, and you are to be commended for your astute realization that Mrs. Handsome is well heeled and appreciates the finer things, but what do you think that will accomplish? If she walked away from a relationship after almost 20 years, how can you be sure she would not do it to you? Your letter clearly demonstrates your ability to communicate with flair and style and while that is only one part of any successful relationship, it is far more than most guys have. I have often said if you put me in a line with ten guys I would never be chosen anywhere near first, but allow me to speak for five minutes and I would move to the head of the line. Good communication is essential to any great relationship. But all of this does not answer the challenge.
Nervous, I accept your challenge as I am a man. I think you are a worthy opponent, and I do not think you would issue this challenge if you had not considered how not achieving your goal will make you feel. If things do not go as you want, we are still friends and you should know that your comments or solicitations for advice are always welcome.

--MH

That is all for this week. I sent some of you daily messages from Mr. Handsome, but I have to figure out a more efficient way to do a mass texting and that should be figured out shortly. If you would like to be on that list, send your phone number to my email address jduane2008@gmail.com. I would like to thank those of you that sent me positive messages about this site. And to Melissa, you are not easy to contact because you are knee-deep in your new relationship and I for one am ecstatic!

Hello Young Lovers and Welcome!

Welcome to the first edition of my weekly advice column entitled: Ask Mr. Handsome. I am Mr. Handsome, and I am here for you, all of you, man, woman, gay and straight, I am here for you. Now, there are many who make that claim, but few who can deliver. Dr. Phil, Dr. Laura, Dr. Ruth, Dr. my Ashtabula! I do not have any formal training, but do you know what I do have?…experience. And that experience is at your disposal. “But Mr. Handsome, how do we know you have experience and can help us?” I am glad you asked.

I have been married to the same very, very sexy woman for almost 20 years. You do not participate in a successful relationship that long without getting the requisite bones to legitimize one’s ability to pontificate. Ladies, and more importantly, gentlemen, I follow a very simple rule: Conduct yourself in a relationship with a total sense of selflessness. If you spend all of your time making sure the love of your life (and I assume that’s what the other person is, ‘cause if they ain’t, why are you in it) is well cared for and you devote all of your time trying to make the other comfortable and happy, your needs will be met. The best part of this plan: you will never get caught up in what I call “The Fallacy of Janet.” (Miss Jackson if you’re nasty) The fallacy of Janet is self evident: What have you done for me lately? Except for money, that is the greatest topic of dissention I have ever encountered with people when they tell me their problems. Relationships, in the beginning, are the best. The long looks, the making out…can Mr. Handsome go off on a tangerine for a minute? Never, I do not care how long you have been together, underestimate the power of the make out session; hence forth known as snogging, because Mr. Handsome’s wife watches a lot of English television and that’s what it’s called at the sugar shack. Snogging, can rejuvenate, it can invigorate, and make that good night kiss seem like your first date. Rhyme on, Mr. Handsome, can I get an amen? Now that you know my mind about the power of the make out, let’s get back to the relationship, shall we? The hardest part of any relationship is letting go of the need we have been encoded with for self preservation. It is instinctual, and it takes plenty of self-talk to allow ourselves to be that free and unguarded. It is hard for Mr. Handsome, and it is hard for us all, but if you try, and I mean try in the Yoda sense which means “do,” you will begin to see endless possibilities and solutions to any problem. “Gee, Mr. Handsome, you sound stupid and corny.” Maybe, but 20 years do not lie and more importantly, I think each of you want the same. Many of you want a lasting relationship; we all want those 20 years.

Through those years it has become glaringly apparent that the failed concepts of both the feminist movement and the hippie / me generation have made a veritable mine field of the dating and relationship scene. Ladies, put down your Spivak and Steinem, I mean no disrespect to the cause of the feminist movement, only the poor execution. I respectfully request that you give me time and ask that you continue to read this column and the advice I give on a weekly basis, for I will explain what I mean and most importantly, I want to hear from you, because Mr. Handsome knows how to listen to a lady. Remember that word, because Mr. Handsome does not respond to vulgar vulgarian women, with foul mouths and little respect for men. Gentlemen, that goes double for you.

Guys, you will learn to walk the way of Frost, and you will not choose the path of least resistance. Women are a magical and mysterious gift. They want to allow us to love them, touch them, kiss them and they are gracious enough to give us their time. They are also moody, unreasonable, spiteful, pouty, and wholly worthwhile. There is nothing Mr. Handsome likes more than to be in a crowded room and look over to find Mrs. Handsome is watching me. It is that moment that Mr. Handsome realizes he still has it. So, as you read the coming columns and advice, try to understand that I want each of you to feel that pleasure. We are a team! I am here for you! Cue the cheerleaders! If you need advice, send me an email.

To all my gay and lesbian brothers and sisters, I want to hear from you as well. “Come on, Mr. Handsome, what do you know about the gay and lesbian dating scene? You’re just a hetero square, give me a break.” Not so, my friends, Mr. Handsome is here for you as well. Mr. Handsome knows a thing or two about where you are at (easy boys, Mr. Handsome is not that kind of boy) for Mr. Handsome’s sister is a lesbian, and a damn fine one at that. Just give me chance; I want your relationships to be as successful as Mr. Handsome’s.

And now my politics: I do not have a problem with abortion, but when people use the issue (both sides) as a litmus test as to a politician’s qualifications, Mr. Handsome has to choke back the bile. I voted for Ralph Nadar, because Ron Paul was not on the ballot and I refuse to vote for the lesser of two evils. I am a firm supporter of marriage equality and I am happy to discuss this with anyone, but take note: I filter my belief in this cause through unemotional, rational thought. If you are hysterical and live in fear of same-sex marriage, I will be less than sympathetic. Keep it civil, stay on point and do not hide behind Jesus when the argument ceases to go your way. I am not an emotional person, which is to say, I think my way through life, I do not feel my way through. That does not mean I am not empathetic and sensitive to people’s feelings, but if they are getting in the way, I will point it out.

As the great Ronald P. Scott often mused, “If you want to solve a problem, just make sure everyone is rowing the same direction” so, ready oar not, let’s get to paddlin’. I want to wish each and every one of you a Merry Christmas, and very happy New Year. I look forward to hearing from all of you and doing my part to make your love life the best it can be.